Finding the One......
Everyone keeps asking the question why is it so hard to find someone to marry.
There’s no denying it searching for a marriage partner is hard. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, exhausting and discouraging. From the heights of anticipation, it can send you to the depth of despair.
At times it can make you feel like a different person. It’s easy to give up thinking there are no good men our indeed women out there.
I do not pretend to have all the answers to why it is so hard to find someone, get married and stay happily married.
What I do know is that many people spend more time planning their career path than planning for their life partner—and yet, choosing a partner is the most important decision you will ever make emotionally, financially, and health-wise.
Healthy relationships are the single most important factor in determining our happiness.
My mission is to get you to the end result you are looking for, marry and marry well. I want to support you on this journey and share the skills with you that will help you create conscious, sustainable and meaningful relationships.
Let me show you a route, a pathway between hopelessness and frustration.
To a mindset that recognizes the benefits of searching for a life partner while also acknowledging the drawbacks.
So what can you do to improve your chances of marrying and marring well?
In anything you do in life to be successful you need to be committed, consistent and proactive to get the end result you are looking for.
Are you committed, are you consistent, are you proactive? But before you answer.
I have a few tips to help make the search a little easier.
The first step to finding a suitable partner is to distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not.
Wants include the things you think you'd like in a partner, including occupation, intellect, and physical attributes.
Even if certain traits may appear to be crucially important to you at first, over time you'll often find that you've been needlessly limiting your choice.
Needs are different than wants in that needs are those things that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person from across the room or indeed the first meeting.
1: Make your search part of your life not all of your life:
Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.
2: Remember that first impressions aren't always reliable:
Regardless of where or how you meet someone, though, it always takes time to really get to know that person. You have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations, some good and some not so good, before you really know him or her. For example, how well does this person hold up under pressure when things don't go well or when they're tired, frustrated, or hungry?
3: Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings:
Everyone has a flaw—or several—and, for a relationship to last, you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person he or she thinks you have the potential to become. In many cases, what you consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and appealing. By being honest and shedding all pretense, you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to a fulfilling relationship.
4: Focus outward, not inward:
To combat first meeting nerves, focus your attention outward, rather than on your internal thoughts and feelings. Try to be fully present in the moment: in what the person you are meeting is saying and doing and what’s going on around you. This will help take your mind off distracting doubts, worries, and insecurities.
3: Be curious:
The best way to connect with someone new is to show genuine interest. When you’re truly curious about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll come across as far more attractive and interesting than if you spend your time trying to promote yourself to your date.
4: Pay attention:
Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.
Ok so Let me ask you this - Would you marry you? Think about it, the time is now to be honest with yourself, dig deep, what would your answer be?
But before you answer.
Send out a round robin and ask friends and family what they think. The key to this is to use it as a platform to develop yourself enhance your good qualities and improve on the qualities that need a little work.
The more specifically you define yourself, your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
The perfect marriage does not come ready made, in fact that is what completes half your deen, your contribution to the marriage, the highs and the lows.
7. Do Not seek to marry Potential:
Men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. Don’t assume that you can change a person to meet your expectations. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them.
8. Choose Character over Chemistry:
Have you heard this quote before?
“Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.”
The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both.
8. Do Not Neglect your Emotional Needs as well as those of your future Partner:
Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. Do you know what your emotional needs are?
If you do not know what they are, how will you express your needs or recognize it in another? Make it a mission to find out what your emotional needs are. If you need help with this ask me.
9: Life Plans:
In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
What is your life plan? You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
10: Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety:
Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions.
Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship.
Most importantly Be flexible. Be open-minded!
Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health.
The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
Be realistic, optimistic and willing to put in the work.
Despite what you grew up thinking, your prince charming isn't going to ride in and save you from the dragon.
And men, don't expect to stumble across a map to lead you to your princess.
Now this doesn't mean you have to settle, far from it.
I encourage you to find that one person you just can't imagine your life without, but idealizing that person is only going to make your search more difficult.
Be optimistic; I'm a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. Someone you have not meet yet is wondering what it would be like to meet YOU!
Don't buy into the belief that you're too old, not beautiful enough, not clever enough and that your going to spend forever alone or that true love doesn't exist — it does and you’re not all the negative labels you give yourself, it just takes work, which brings me to my last point:
Be willing to put in the work. Successful relationships require both partners to put in a lot of effort to find, connect and keep their partner in life.
Please take a few moments to consider what you really want.
Consider an ideal spouse. What are the characteristics that you want them to have?
How do you want your married life to be like?
Did you think about it?
I hope so.
Let me know how you are getting on, I would love to hear from you.
Until next time have a fab week ahead.
p.s The next Bite size Masterclass is on Saturday 15th February.
"Wajeeha I am getting married, it would not have happened without you!"