Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just click with someone?
Are you searching for that elusive click, that spark, that something?
No more trying to put your finger on it, it all boils down to traditional psychology.
The authors of Click: The Magic of Instant Connections, Ori and Rom Brafman have made it simple.
The magical ingredient in that 'CLICK' is none other than vulnerability.
That’s what they believe and you know what I say the same. I have seen it play out with my clients.
It's an ingredient that not everyone knows how to use, or have learnt how to use, or miss out all together and wonder why they are not connecting or keeping the person they think is their Mr or Mrs Right.
When I share this magical ingredient with my clients, they are resistant.
Naturally, no-one wants to look vulnerable and I know it’s the last thing you are willing to do.
But before you reject it or stop reading, consider this...... your human, and it works in your favour.
First things first, when you meet someone for the first time, let’s imagine it’s the person that is interviewing you for that dream job, the person you're pitching a fantastic idea to, the bank manager or you’re on a first date. It’s easy to forget that the person sitting opposite you isn’t just someone you’re trying to impress. BUT Remember they’re human too.
Giving yourself permission to be vulnerable helps build trust, especially when you meet someone new.
Because you are taking a risk psychologically, emotionally and/or physically.
And when you do this, it’s like a mirror affect other’s tend to respond by being more open and vulnerable themselves.
"The fact that both of you are letting down your guard helps to lay the groundwork for a faster, closer personal connection. When you both make yourselves vulnerable from the outset and are candid in revealing who you are and how you think and feel, you create an environment that fosters the kind of openness that can lead to an instant connection – a click”
~Brafman and Brafman
And who does not want to click?
Tell me you don't...
It starts getting a little more interesting when other elements are at play when it comes to the ‘click’ Brafman and Brafman believe that couples with similar interests, levels of education and social standing tend to be more drawn to one another. But it’s seeing someone as ‘real’ and down-to-earth that can often make this their most attractive quality; something that you can’t communicate until you’ve chosen to open up. So it's not just a case of swiping right or the butterflies.
My client Sameer came to be because he felt that he “must be unlucky in love”.
He had tried everything.
We talked about being more open and more vulnerable. When he was introduced to Henna he took what he thought was a risk, showed his vulnerable side, he discovered something about Henna that helped him confirm that she was the one. He shared with Henna that he was divorced and was the sole carer for his children. He was pleasantly surprised that Henna agreed to meet with him again after their first date. As they got to know each other they discovered they shared a common passion.
What sealed the deal?
When Sameer invited Henna to join him to volunteer at an event. Henna witnessed how Smaeer interacted with others and Sameer saw how Henna took things in her stride, regardless of getting soaked in the rain she kept going, they laughed as they shared the day with me.
So you see there is a way that you can influence the outcome and create an opportunity for that “Click”. What’s interesting it’s not whether you’re pretty enough, young enough, tall enough, being funny enough. It’s your ability to be vulnerable.
How does it all work and how does vulnerable language help you feel safe and connected?
Studies show there are five stages of Vulnerability.
The five stages of vulnerability:
- Phatic – this level of language is one we’d use every day with virtually anyone e.g. ‘How are you?’
- Factual – at this level, language is used to express information but not necessarily strong emotion or opinion e.g. ‘I live in Birmingham.’
- Evaluative – this is where opinions start to be expressed, but nothing that gives away a core belief e.g. ‘I enjoyed the meal.’
- Gut-level – When I work with my clients, we work on strengthing this muscle AKA your intuition. The first three stages are all thought/logic-orientated, but gut/intuition-level communication is emotion-led. Your sharing thoughts, beliefs opinions on a deeper level e.g. “It upset’s me when..”
- Peak – Once you have practised flexing the gut muscle, this stage is the most emotionally vulnerable level to achieve. This is the stage that you share your innermost feelings. It’s at this level communication that can be profoundly revealing and carries a higher risk in how the other person may respond. Thing is we rarely use this level of communication; some people find it challenging to use word’s like ‘I guess at heart I do not know how to deal with this situation.’ Even when speaking to someone we are very close to.
So, the next time you’re meeting someone new– try opening up a little. BE human, perfection is not required of you, take off that mask, present you, be vulnerable, because that ‘real’ relationship really could be right under your nose.
If you need a helping hand navigating the maze of life,
I am here to help, your just one click away.
Until Next Time... BE YOU, BE REAL, BE BRILLIANT!
PS. Here is a video of Author Ori Brafman describing behaviors of good "clickers," those individuals skilled in making instant connections with others.