· love,Personal Development,Relationship,dating tips,Decodelove

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just click with someone?

Well the authors of Click: the Magic of Instant Connections, Ori and Rom Brafman have made it simple.

No more trying to put your finger on it, it boils down to traditional psychology.
The magic ingredient in that 'CLICK' is vulnerability. That’s what they believe and you know what I say the same.

I know right, no-one wants to look vulnerable and boy I know it’s the last thing you are willing to do. But before you stop reading, consider this...... your human.

So when you meet someone for the first time, let’s imagine it’s the person that is interviewing you for that dream job, the person your pitching a fantastic idea to, the bank manager or you’re on a date. It’s easy to forget that the person sitting opposite you isn’t just someone you’re trying to impress. But they’re human too.

Giving yourself permission to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, precisely because you’re putting yourself at emotional, psychological or physical risk. Other people tend to react by being more open and vulnerable themselves,’ Brafman and Brafman say.

‘The fact that both of you are letting down your guard helps to lay the groundwork for a faster, closer personal connection. When you both make yourselves vulnerable from the outset and are candid in revealing who you are and how you think and feel, you create an environment that fosters the kind of openness that can lead to an instant connection – a click

And who does not want to click? My clients tell me they are looking for that all elusive Click!

Tell me your not...

It starts getting a little more interesting when other elements are at play when it comes to the ‘click’ Brafman and Brafman also believe that couples with similar interests, levels of education and social standing tend to be more drawn to one another. But it’s seeing someone as ‘real’ and down-to-earth that can often make this their most attractive quality; something that you can’t communicate until you’ve chosen to open up.

My client Sameer took what he thought was a risk, showed his vulnerable side, he discovered something about Henna that helped him confirm that she was the one. You can guess what happened next.

So you see that is what is so interesting about vulnerability and its effect on the ‘click’. Compared to everything else going on, like wondering whether or not you’re actually, pretty enough, young enough, tall enough, being funny enough, your vulnerability factor is something that you can actually influence the outcome.

There are five levels of vulnerable language, and when we eventually access the final stage with a romantic partner, studies show that couples feel safe and extremely connected.


The five stages of vulnerability

  • Phatic – this level of language is one we’d use every day with virtually anyone e.g. ‘How are you?’
  • Factual – at this level, language is used to express information but not necessarily strong emotion or opinion e.g. ‘I live in London’
  • Evaluative – this is where opinions start to be expressed, but nothing that gives away a core belief e.g. ‘That film was really funny!’
  • Gut-level – this is where it starts to heat up! The first three stages are all thought-orientated but gut-level communication is emotion-led. It’s a personal declaration that says something about who you are on a deeper level e.g. ‘I’m sad that you’re not here.’
  • Peak – this is the most emotionally vulnerable level. Peak statements share your innermost feeling. This type of communication is deeply revealing and carries the most risk in terms of how the other person will respond. It’s used rarely, even when speaking to someone we’re very close to, and some people find it extremely difficult to use e.g. ‘I guess, at heart, I’m terrified I’m going to lose you.’


So, the next time you’re meeting someone new– try opening up a little. BE human, take off that mask, present you, be vulnerable, because that ‘real’ relationship really could be right under your nose.
If you need a helping hand navigating the maze of life, I am here to help, your just one click away.


With Love


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