Will love find you?
Have you ever been at home, you think you hear a knock, but don’t think anything of it. You think you hear another knock, it takes you a few minutes for it to register and you rush to the door.
You find that someone did knock the door, but it was too late they left by the time you got there.
Love can sometimes be like that, we can be waiting and waiting and then arrive at the belief that the right guy or girl is just not out there for us?
Today I wanted to talk about one of my clients.
I am going to call him Imran. It’s not his real name.
Imran contacted me because he was thinking off calling his wedding off, he said
“Something did not feel right, on the one hand I want to marry her and on the other hand, one thing after the other is coming up that is making me doubt if I would be happy in the long run.”
He was stuck in a dilemma should he call the wedding off, all the arrangments had been made and invitations sent. She treated him well, and there was a spark, but it just wasn’t enough.
We talked through what was missing for him, and I could tell that he knew there were many “red flags” he had overlooked, he was holding onto her out of fear that he would not find anyone else. In the process of holding on, he was not honouring what he needed and wanted.
The day he ended things, we spoke. He said to me, “I just don’t believe that I will ever find the right person for me. Everyone keeps telling me; things will get better after you get married, I am too fussy, and I will end up being single for a long time.”
“I don’t think I will ever find the right partner for me, and be in a relationship that I need and want. I don’t even allow myself to believe that it is going to ever happen to me. Every time it does not work out I am left in pain and feeling frustrated and angry. I just don’t want to keep being disappointed anymore and have to start all over again.”
Did you notice? He didn’t tell me the feeling he was actually feeling, the thing is this is so normal.
Why? Because we get trapped in our head.
Firstly to control the feeling and secondary to figure it all out.
“Imran I hear you,” I said. “It sounds like you are feeling afraid and sad right now, is that what you are feeling?”
I said, “I wonder what it would be like if you just let yourself be afraid and sad.”
Your mind is this superhub, and it is going to want to jump in and save you by taking you straight to an outcome like ‘I won’t ever find love’ so it can stop you from feeling any hurt or pain.
Your mind is going to want to control the situation.
It will tell you how to save yourself from being let down, so your brain will get you to a place that identifies with thoughts like just give up, stop trying, let go, there are no decent women/men out there, or isolate yourself.
It’s not about letting go of that dream or desire; it’s about letting go of the attachment to that desire of it happening exactly the way you think it should or would have happened for you. (You know the deadline you have set yourself, by the time you are 30, 35….to be married)
You know the fact is that it could happen at any moment, trust In Allah swt’s plan, have faith and anything at any moment is possible.
The mind/ego will try to control and limit what’s uniquely possible for you.
The point here isn’t to make your mind your enemy, but to become aware of our triggers and tendencies that take over, so that you can keep coming back to who you are - that guy or girl who has unlimited potential and possibility.
Why am I sharing this with you today?
Because I want you to come back to being open to opportunity with an open heart.
Not a heart that is closed, because high wall surround it and it’s closed tight, protected so that you don’t feel pain and hurt.
I showed Imran how to catch his thoughts.
Here is how you can do it too.
Listen out, when you hear your self-say or think…..
“I don’t believe I will ever find the right guy/girl for me.”
“ No one will accept a divorcee with kids.”
“ I am too old; the guys are going for younger girls.”
Shift from that place to saying to yourself,
“I feel afraid, sad and lonely. I just feel afraid, sad and lonely.”
When we try to shut down the emotion and make it wrong, our ego goes into overdrive.
I asked Imran, “Do you really know for sure you will not be married”?
He said, “No I don’t know.”
I said, “Does anyone know if you will not be married?”
He said, “No.”
“Good. Can you let that be your truth that you don’t know?” I said.
He said, “Yes when I do give myself time to experience that truth I can feel myself relax.”
I said, “That is what staying open to possibility feels and looks like.” Open your heart to possibility.
Truth is we are all trying to control LOVE, no matter what your relationship status.
By you trying to control Love it’s just sending a message to those metaphoric walls to go up keeping us away from the very thing we desire the most, the very things we are searching for calling out for….. CONNECTION.