As a Muslim Counsellor and Relationship Coach I love helping people, and in this blog post I support you with that initial face-to-face meeting and overcome the dating barriers.
You moved past the initial e-mail and text exchange now it’s time to meet in person. Your pleasantly surprised, you kind of feel attracted to them.
You do the whole question and answer exchange, all in the name of confirming this one is the one. You answer the questions in protection mode and as you expected the whole thing comes to an abrupt stop.
Your frustrated, upset, annoyed to say the least that you did it again revealed personal information to a “stranger”.
So how can you improve your chances of creating a connection?
You will need two key ingredients:
It’s these two that are often missing and hold you back from creating a connection.
Firstly, you need to have clarity on what you are looking for and who the right person is for you. BUT don’t confuse clarity with Judgment.
Secondly get to know how to be vulnerable and to give the other person enough comfort to be vulnerable.
Mastering these key ingredients can lead to a blissful marriage.
We have all been there, lead with judgement or fear of being judged.
Typically, we are running through our checklist to cross people off before we make an emotional investment. Moving on quickly without examining and self-reflecting.
We stay in our flight or fight mode so that we can make a quick exit, that’s how we end up being ghosted or ghosting. It’s a shallow place to form a judgement about someone.
When we operate from a place of fear we don’t ask the intimate personal questions which will give us some depth and understanding.
Instead, we stay in the safe zone and ask safe or shallow questions out of fear. Especially if you like the other person and you fear they will judge you for your questions or indeed your answers.
I know it can be scary to ask deep and meaningful questions especially if you have met someone you are attracted too.
Asking the deeper questions will save you your time and heart.
I have seen this happen for couples.
They did not ask the questions that mattered because of the fear of judgment and or rejection and they find themselves married to someone they do not actually know and feel deceived.
Don’t confuse vulnerability with weakness. It’s the vital ingredient you need to make a relationship work.
It’s about being open-hearted, trusting and transparent without the fear of rejection, being judged or overly judging others.
So how can you master these core ingredients?
Stop Judging and Comparing
Come to grips with your past, imperfections, bad choices and relationships that did not work out.
Stop comparing your date with past bad experiences and looking for signs to confirm it’s too good to be true. Or that all “Men” “Women” are the same.
Permit Yourself To Be Vulnerable
Seek to understand the other person from a sincere place of compassion.
Lead with vulnerability this way you are more likely to develop mutual respect regardless of the outcome.
Pay Attention To Transparency
While you're being transparent pay attention to the other person being transparent with you too.
Have you shared with them but you feel as though they’re holding back?
Are they defensive? Do they answer, avoid or struggle with the questions you ask them?
Acknowledge this lack of transparency, vulnerability and discuss it.
Let Your Guard Down
Let someone in. You are not protecting yourself, in the long run, it will either cause a disconnect now or a disconnect later.
During the courtship process, the best gift you can give yourself and the other person is transparency, accountability and faith.
In the process, you create a connection that lasts a lifetime.
Give it a go what have you got to lose?
Let me know how you get on. I would love to hear from you.
At the Masterclass on 27th April I will be sharing some of those deep and meaningful questions you can ask whilst getting to know someone. It's a experiential day so you we will have the opportunity to try them out and master the art of finding , selecting, connecting and keeping the right partner for you.
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