Have you ever had an argument?
You have, haven’t you?
Let me set the scene…
You have not handled it very well?
You ended up regretting it, stayed angry, felt you have been taken advantage off, not listened to, not heard and felt there is just no point fighting your corner.
You lost sleep over it.
Remember the feeling?
Remember the last time you had an argument and realised it was all over something really stupid, but it turned out to be something bigger.
You don’t want to drag the argument out. Thinking about it, your stomach is in knots, you feel physically sick.
The person you had an argument with is trying to apologise but you just can’t let it go. You want to let it go, but you just don’t know how to.
So you stay angry.
I know right, I have been there too.
But what made me write about it today?
Well because I have been speaking a lot about it to people lately at the Masterclass at the Breakthrough afternoons my one to one clients and last week on Zee TV.
It’s a common theme something we all struggle with.
No one likes arguments, right?
It’s one of those things that you wished you knew how to handle better.
Contrary to popular belief, arguments themselves aren’t what damage relationships; it’s the amount of time that people take to recover after an argument.
Think about the last argument you had, you apologised, but the person you had the argument with didn’t get over it.
They carried on being upset, frustrated, agitated and angry.
Spoiling the time your spending with each other. Or that could have been how you reacted and behaved.
Either way, it’s not a nice place to be and it eats into what’s working in your relationship.
I hear clients tell me all the time how someone they had had an argument with has totally ruined the day of the back of the argument.
No matter how close you are to your sibling, to your parents, to your friend, to your partner, disagreements are going to happen.
When I work with couples, most of them think that what makes their relationship strong is not having an argument in the first place and focus on that.
What we really need to get focused on is recovery time after an argument.
If we can have a discussion or have a debate about something and then quickly snap back from it, that's a very powerful place to be.
The hard part is when we are in a bad place after a disagreement. I know you can relate. I can too.
I have been in an argument where afterwards I still don't feel right and I don't know quite how to get over it in that moment.
I want to move on but I don't know how. I'm still angry or something is still bothering me.
These, I believe, are moments where you have to get vulnerable.
I know every time I talk about getting vulnerable it’s like having to find the courage to slay a lion.
But just as you seek to protect yourself from being vulnerable and need to build those walls as high as you can.
You need to let them down because it will serve you better than you think.
I am going to give you some words that some of you may find extremely difficult to pass your lips.
Imran my client tried it I remember him telling me “half an hour of being in a place where I was obsessing and angry about what Razzia had said to me.
I eventually opened up and said to my wife, “Listen, I know that I am angry right now, I need you to help me. I don't know how to get over this right now, I just need you to help me get over it.”
Now, the beautiful thing about this is that you are giving someone a guide.
Many people in arguments just go into themselves and they don't give people a clue about how they can help, so they are waiting for that person to say the perfect thing.
They are waiting for that person to say something that is going to solve it. But they are not actually helping them or giving them guidance.
If you can say to somebody, “Listen, I am just being sensitive right now but I need you to help me. Just be on my side and help me right now,” what you are really doing is being a great mate, you're being a team player.
Because you are showing them how to help you overcome your feelings, you are making them a partner in getting over this situation.
Otherwise, if you alienate them and go inside yourself, they now look at it as a hopeless case. They go, “Argh! Nothing I am saying is working.
You are still in this bad mood, what is the point,” and then they shut down.
When you say these simple words – “I need you to help me” – you are giving them an important role in the situation.
So if you can't get yourself over an argument in the moment, appeal to your sibling, friend, parent or partner.
Be vulnerable, tell them that you are feeling sensitive, tell them you are still angry but also tell them that you want them to help you.
Then you give them a roadmap and that's something we all want in our relationships.
It makes you the most beautiful thing you can be in a relationship, which is a genuine team player.
Try it, let me know how your getting on. I would love to hear from you.
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