I wanted to share a trending topic on the halal dating scene, when looking for a spouse many look for, chemistry (spark). As a Muslim Relationship Coach and Counsellor it comes up a lot and I thought I would uncover the truth and help you on your journey.
The “Spark” factor are you waiting for it?
When I speak to my singles they tell me they are looking for that “Spark” for “Chemistry” or that “Something”.
So, what are the ingredients that create that “spark or chemistry”?
Is it possible for a relationship to flourish if the chemistry, the spark isn’t there?
Lots of things play a part in relationships.
Chemistry is important along with purpose, vision, growth (to name a few traits), even compatibility and the way we communicate is highly relevant to a relationship in today’s society.
They are necessary components of having a successful relationship.
My must have components of a relationship are Love, Honor and Respect. They are the foundation and backbone of any healthy relationship.
The truth is that relationships can exist without one or more of any of these traits.
An unhealthy relationship can exist with a lack of respect, for example. Even without respect, there remains some level of attraction.
The one trait that a relationship must have to start is an attraction. There has to be something for someone to want to get to know you better.
For relationships to survive there are 2 vital ingredients that need to be in play:
Emotional engagement & Attraction
Love would be handsome, tall, pretty, long haired, slim, bearded or 5’5 if it was reduced down to our “type” floating around in our mind.
Attraction can be in the way someone takes charge.
Attraction can be in the way someone laughs at your jokes or twists their hair.
Attraction can exist in the way someone sits attentively and listens.
We’re all probably a little more self-centered than we would admit to being…who wouldn’t want someone who listens to them?
Take Amair he was completely infatuated with Razzia who was taller than him by 2 inches when she wore her heels.
BUT it was his energy, courage and humour that outshone their height difference. If she had not agreed to meet over a coffee she would never have connected with him on a deeper emotional level.
Physical attraction is undeniable, but it’s not the foundation for a bond or relationship.
Spending time with someone can create attraction.
When you get to know someone, understand their values, inspire deeper conversation to learn WHY people do what they do, you’ll see past the physical and uncover an emotional connection.
That connection is where you will build a bond that will outlast the initial spark.
Chemistry is an active process of connection, and it requires your participation.
One way to inspire chemistry is to make it your goal to bring out the best in someone you meet.
Instead of asking questions that are your way of qualifying them not to be your “romantic type”, focus on what you believe truly matters to the other person.
Listen to their responses and watch their behaviour. If their eyes light up and their energy rises, continue down that path and see where it leads you.
Think of it this way, we all want to be around the people, places, and things where WE feel safe and be our best.
We don’t always 'click' or feel the 'spark' with someone the first time we meet them, but that doesn’t mean we won’t at some point in the future.
Some of the most fulfilling connections are the ones that happen over time.
Saba was introduced to Aziz by a friend of a friend, from the onset she said “He is not my type” but when he invited her to join him for a charity event she was surprised that he was passionate about the same cause as her.
Their friendship flourished from there and she found that she was attracted to him.
Discovering new connections like this can feel thrilling because someone else is validating us.
Another way to inspire chemistry is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability has got a bad rap, but it’s a powerful quality.
Telling you how to be vulnerable is a little bit like telling you how to feel or to breathe.
It needs to become instinctive. Being vulnerable is about being open, ready to share, and willing to give and receive. Harnessing this quality takes some personal work to make you ready for a connection and considerate of someone else in your life.
Stay open to meeting people who don’t tick the boxes on your list. I always encourage my clients to throw away their list! You won’t be surprised when I tell you each one of my clients that have gone on to marry and marry well have said that he or she was not the person they would have normally gone for.
Chemistry has nothing to do with how much two people have in common or how physically appealing they are to the other person.
That’s what happened for Farah when she moved away from her match having to be a “Doctor” she went on to marry an “Accountant”.
Sometimes what we pray for in a marriage partner may be packaged in a different wrapper than what we expect.
If you meet someone who you think could be a friend, and you aren’t feeling the “magic” yet, give it another meeting. Get to know the person and watch the seed of that emotional attraction grow.
Chemistry is more than finding someone physically attractive. It’s also finding someone intellectually and emotionally stimulating. It’s wanting to talk with them, get to know them, find out more.
Part of what makes for good chemistry is to affect someone on an emotional level.
Relationships aren't perfect because people aren't perfect. Nevertheless, you can find, create and nurture the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. Marriage is friendship with intimacy, who does not want to be married to their best friend?
Keep in mind: chemistry is a mix of physical attraction and emotional engagement. You need to make sure that you have the right balance.
What do you think? Can love grow? Or does it begin with a spark?
I would love to hear from you.
Your London-Based Muslim Relationship Coach
(Confidentiality is KING so clients names have be changed)
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