As a Muslim Relationship Coach and Counsellor men and women come to me with their marriage concerns and I like to support them break through their barriers and get results. Today I wanted to share Imran's story and shine some hope.
Will love find you?
Have you been at home, you think you hear a knock, but don’t think anything of it and carry on with what you were doing?
You find out later that someone did knock the door, but it was too late they left by the time you got there.
Love can sometimes be like that; we can be waiting and waiting and then arrive at the belief that the right guy or girl is just not out there for us?
Or sometimes. Just sometimes we miss noticing that LOVE was there all along and we just did not let it in.
Today I wanted to talk about one of my clients.
I am going to call him Imran. It’s not his real name.
Imran contacted me because he was thinking off calling his wedding off, he said:
“Something did not feel right, on the one hand, I want to marry her, and on the other hand, one thing after the other is coming up that is making me doubt if I would be happy in the long run.”
He was stuck in a dilemma should he call the wedding off, all the arrangements had been made and invitations sent. She treated him well, and there was a spark, but it just wasn’t enough.
We talked through what was missing for him, and I could tell that he knew there were many “red flags” he had overlooked, he was holding onto her out of fear that he would not find anyone else.
In the process of holding on, he was not honouring what he needed and wanted.
The day after he ended things, we spoke. He said to me, “I just don’t believe that I will ever find the right person for me. Everyone keeps telling me; things will get better after you get married, I am too fussy, and I will end up being single.”
He needed to feel what he was feeling, so I said, “Imran, without attaching a meaning talk me through how you are feeling.”
“I don’t think I will ever find the right partner for me, and be in a relationship that I need and want. I don’t even allow myself to believe that it is going to ever happen to me. Every time it does not work out I am left in pain and feeling frustrated and angry. I just don’t want to keep being disappointed anymore and have to start all over again.”
Did you notice, he didn’t tell me the feeling he was actually feeling?
The thing is this is so normal.
Because we get trapped in our head.
Firstly to control the feeling and secondary to figure it all out.
I said. “It sounds like you are feeling afraid and sad right now, is that what you are feeling?”
He said, "YES"
I said, “I wonder what it would be like if you just let yourself be afraid and sad.”
Your mind is this superhub, and it is going to want to jump in and save you by taking you straight to an outcome like ‘I won’t ever find love’ so it can stop you from feeling any hurt or pain.
Your mind is going to want to control the situation.
It will tell you how to save yourself from being let down, so your brain will get you to a place that identifies with thoughts like just give up, stop trying, let go, there are no decent women/men out there, or isolate yourself.
Even though you still have that desire and a dream to be married, be that partner and parent you know yourself to be.
It’s not about letting go of that dream or desire; it’s about letting go of the attachment to that desire of it happening exactly the way you think it should or would have happened for you.
(You know - the blueprint - the deadline you have set yourself, by the time you are 30, 35….to be married)
You know the fact is that it could happen at any moment, have faith and anything at any moment is possible.
The mind/ego will try to control and limit what’s uniquely possible for you.
The point here isn’t to make your mind your enemy, but to become aware of our triggers and tendencies that take over, so that you can keep coming back to who you are - that guy or girl who has unlimited potential and possibility.
Why am I sharing this with you today?
Because I want you to come back to being open to opportunity with an open heart.
Not a heart that is closed, because high wall's surround it and it’s closed tight, protected so that you don’t feel pain, hurt or Love.
I showed Imran how to catch his thoughts.
Here is how you can do it too:
Listen out, when you hear your self-say or think…..
“I don’t believe I will ever find the right guy/girl for me.”
“ No one will accept a divorcee with kids.”
“ I am too old; the guys are going for younger girls.”
Shift from that place to saying to yourself:
“I feel afraid, sad and lonely. I just feel afraid, sad and lonely.”
Come back to the emotion and let it breathe, give it space.
When we try to shut down the emotion and make it wrong, our ego goes into overdrive.
I asked Imran, “Do you really know for sure you will not be married”?
He said, “No I don’t know.”
I said, “Does anyone know if you will not be married?”
He said, “No.”
“Good. Can you let that be your truth that you don’t know?” I said.
He said, “Yes when I do give myself time to experience that truth I can feel myself relax.”
I said, “That is what staying open to possibility feels and looks like.”
Open your heart to possibility.
Truth is we are all trying to control LOVE, no matter what your relationship status.
By you trying to control Love it’s just sending a message to those metaphoric walls to go up keeping us away from the very thing we desire the most, the very things we are searching for calling out for….. CONNECTION.
Until next time. Let me know how you are getting on.
P.s. Imran's doing well. He has met someone else and I am sure he will continue to grow and create those connections he had been searching for.
If you are ready to let those wall's down and let love in.
Reach out and contact with me, that's what I am here for.
If you want to discover the secrets to find, select, connect and keep the right partner for you then you need to attend the Masterclass. It's on 27th April and there are only 3 places left.